Ongoing Adventures in Semi-Conciousness

I have been lucky enough to have a few Totally Perfect Moments© in the last few months or so. I have never stopped having them, but they've been frequent in the last few months. I had one on Christmas Eve, driving up to my dad's place. Having just found a totally appropriate gift at Starbucks, while treating myself (I NEVER buy expensive coffee) to a huge choclatey coffee-y thing, an drinking it and listening to Otis Redding and encountering no traffic on the completely new-snow white drive to my dad's place, to spend a profoundly peaceful and simple evening with my closest family.

I had it in West Palm in February, for just half an instant - floating on my back in the beautiful pool at Will Shriver's place around midnight on a warm night, and noticing there was a ring around the moon.

I had it during the third at the Raptors playoff game, before they lost it. Just the right amount of stoned to be thrilled with the colours and the noise, and focused enough to remain involved. Just looking around at the thousands of people, all in red and white and focusing incredible amounts of emotion on to someone during a free through, all suddenly (mostly) wanting the same thing - realizing that as humans, we collectively do some very bizarre things sometimes.

And now they come faster.

I had it a week after that, on one of the first warm nights of the year. The days were getting so long, and I managed to get my shit together enough to remember to bring my rollerblades with me to the studio. And I skated all the way out to where the path ends, along the beaches, and came back again. The sun was just about to really go down, long, hot, hard light, and the beach and boardwalk were totally packed with people. Families and runners and couples and dogs all over the beach, volleyball teams not quite ready to quit yet. And everyone was happy. We had the most snow in like a bazillion years this winter, the second largest recorded snowfall ever. People were starting to lose it, I swear to you. I certainly was thinking about it and feeling so happy to have the warmth back, I felt connected to everyone there because I think they were all thinking about it as well.

And then just a few weeks later, I had many in Arizona: riding half-drunk through a dimly lit (light laws), cookie-cutter, mayonnaise coloured subdivision to pool hop on a hot night in my bare feet. Reaching the Robber's Roost easily in Sedona after being terrified I might not be able to hack the hike with all the gear, fresh off scaling around the most precarious climbing situation I'd ever encountered (adrenaline), to discover a perfect sunset. Sleeping on a hot rock by a cool river, in the shade of something at least 30 miles from anything.

And two weeks later, today, first significant period of time to myself in five days or so, forecast of thunderstorm but actually bright sun and lots of thick white clouds. Internal alarm clock functioning beautifully all of the sudden, up in time to throw on shorts and a tank top (because it's 22 degrees out) and get the bike my upstairs neighbor left me, the shitty old racing bike that is just somehow totally appropriate, out of the basement. Far more gracefully than I did when I last did this a week ago. Right music, right temperature, right route. Right song while on the right road, bright sun through huge patchy maple trees, a good buzz, fresh eggs waiting at home, and the pièce de résistance: a slight breeze and a huge shower of glittery green maple keys. The sudden recollection that I actually do live in a beautiful neighborhood in a beautiful city. And it's almost summer.

So the thing I'm learning about being single is that you tend to get let down an awful lot.

1. The best moments - the ones that leave behind the sweetest memories - are usually free.
2. A clear conscience and a resolved mind yield the most peaceful sleep.
3. Saying "yes" to the things you fear out of self-doubt or pessimism is the only way to avoid regret - and the shortest route to true joy. Be brave. Try everything.
4. The greatest gift you can give someone is your undivided attention.
5. You can choose the life you want. All things are possible.

We broke up last night. His father came to get him and took him back to London. I wish I was going home to my mom, too. I miss her right now and grieve for her. After I did it last night, I felt high - almost happy. Calm. In control. Eric Hawkins came over and sat with me, we smoked a joint and wound down.

I woke up in bed alone this morning and sobbed. I feel eviscerated, stupid, cruel,  It's sunk in that he's never coming back, that I've taken my best friend and tossed him out the door. I'm struggling to keep hold of all the reasons I left, but a big part of me is just destroyed because for all it's problems it  was still the best relationship I had ever had. I mourn the loss deeply.

I don't want to be weak, I want to stay firm in this decision. I want to do what is right for me, even though it hurts so much right now.

I haven't hurt like this since mom died, I just want it to stop.

I got some pretty serious roofles out of this site.

I started at the beginning of Ugly Betty this weekend. I think it is the most light-hearted shows I've seen in a while. I enjoy every single character, and have enjoyed every single plot line, some of which have had the brightest and most unexpected resolutions. They've done a great job of integrating good characters into a reasonably realistic editorial/fashion/photography environment. The production is very good on all fronts, America Fererra is incredibly likeable, and I find it truly funny. A positive and engaging piece of programming.

Most surprising to me is Vanessa Williams, playing the only evil person on television I've ever wanted to succeed. Who knew she was any good? Wish there was more with the irish (?) seamstress. I think CityTV did a brilliant thing purchasing this program, and that everyone involved should be very proud.

01. Where did you begin 2007? We talked about this last night... and couldn't even remember. We imagined at home, relaxing.

02. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Met online friends and had it be a positive experience, made pre-emptive maintenance repairs on my car, asked for and got a big raise, lost lots of weight, didn't get a single parking or traffic ticket, paid all my bills, bought a laptop, listened to NPR, listened to podcasts, traded pharmaceuticals for vitamins and the mighty herb, applied for and got my own passport, went on vacation alone, ran a 12 minute mile, drank responsibly (mostly), got fall-down drunk with my cousins, crewed on a racing sailboat.

03. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions. I continue along my previously set paths towards many personal and professional goals.

04. Were you in school (any time this year)? I thought about it and tried. The money wasn't there. Maybe next year.

05. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, but I can't remember who.

06. Any new additions to your family? Uhhhh.... not that I can think of? Deb!

07. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank god.

08. Did you know anybody who got married? Katie Roebuck married Steve Hess (I think that happened) and Ginny got married too. Alex and Marian both got engaged.

09. What countries did you visit? USA, Mexico.

10. How did you earn your money? Same old same old - commissions this year though, and they made a huge difference in my life.

11. Where did most of your money go? The mortgage. The credit card debt. My new computer. Gym membership.

12. Did you have any encounters with the police? Not until they gave me the third degree on College on December 19th.

13. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? Nice clothes. Small thighs.

14. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? My brain doesn't really work that way.

15. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting a good raise and going on great vacations with the money.

16. What was your biggest failure? Restlessness/Rutt-i-ness at work. A lack of resolve in the early months as it pertains to excercise.

17. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just getting poisoned in the Cancun airport! But that did require a visit to Emerge, so it counts.

18. Where did you go on holidays/vacation? A week in Playa del Carmen, Justin's parents cottage on Paudash Lake, to the cottage in New Hampshire, and to West Palm Beach to visit Justin.

19. What was the best thing you bought? My laptop.

20. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Justin's hard work and perseverance at the course this year.

21. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Justin's, at times, my own, Mr. and Mrs. Big

22. What did you get really, really, really excited about? New Hampshire, for sure. A week off and so much family. West Palm, too. I got very happily excited for Christmas this year.

23. Did you move anywhere? Hells no.

24. Where do you live now? In our nest in Forest Hill, still.

25. What song will always remind you of 2007? Rihanna's Umbrella

26. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier and stronger.
b) Thinner or fatter? 30 pounds thinner.
c) Richer or poorer? Richer.

27. What do you wish you'd done more of? Working out (because it feels good), swimming, reading.

28. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worrying about money. Eating garbage. Fighting with Justin.

29. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent Christmas Eve with my dad drinking a bottle of good wine, eating good cheese, and watching a Musical, as is now the tradition. At his quiet but ugly house in the country.

30. What do you want for Christmas? I just wanted to get down to West Palm to be with Justin, and to see my family, and I got that. Plus some stellar cooking pots.

31. Where are you spending New Year's? Sigh. On the beach, sitting in the saint, drinking wine and smoking a nice joint and watching huge and beautiful fireworks go off on either side of us.

32. Did you fall in love in 2007? I stayed in love.

33. How many one-night stands? None.

34. What was your favourite TV program? I triple love Weeds.

35. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Hmm.

36. What was the best book you read? Oh jeez. I read so little this year. Probably Freakonomics.

37. What was your greatest musical discovery? Either being late to the party on Arcade Fire, or Mika. Amy Winehouse. Lily Allen

38. What did you want and get? More time at home, free time.

39. What was your favourite film of this year? I loved Superbad. I loved Pan's Labyrinth. American Gangster. Oh! No, it's Ratatouille for sure.

40. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I... I can't remember! No, no I can! We went to the Milton County Fair, and saw a demolition derby and road carnival rides. It was fabulous.

41. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting to go surfing in Morocco as planned.

42. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? No make-up. More casual and comfortable then I wanted to. But ten times better then ever when I went out.

43. What kept you sane? Learning to cook myself healthy and delicious food, and lots and lots of excercise. A joint every night around 8 or 9.

44. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Tina Fey, Mary-Louise Parker.

45. What concerts/shows did you go to? Bob Dylan. The Foo Fighters. Neil Young. Dave Brubeck.

46. Did you see any live sporting events? Not that I can recall.

47. What political issue stirred you the most? Blackwater, Abu Ghraib, Wal-mart, gay marriage/adoption rights

48. What has been your favourite moment? Probably one of many moments, wedged between Justin and Nick and all my boys at the Orbit Room, high as kites, drinking free tequila, and swaying to Leroy's sweet voice.

49. What was your best month? August, for sure. Crewing on Bangalore on Tuesdays, unbeatable weather, beach weekends, hot nights on patios, and a week in New Hampshire. Heaven.

50. Who was the best new person you met? John Sawatsky, Paul Dickinson and all his friends.

51. Who has been your best drinking buddy? I don't drink that much anymore! Nick, I suppose? If it wasn't Justin, it would be him.

52. Who did you miss? Marian and Kyla, Katie, Deb, my brother, Colin Graham, Justin, Mom, Emily...

53. Favourite night out? Paul Dickinson's "house cooling" party, dinner on the Big's at Allen's the night Justin came home, one of many many Orbit Room clusterfucks.

54. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: Stop worrying about the things you can't do anything about, and focus on what you can change today.

55. What's something you learned about yourself? When I set my mind to something, my will and my resolve is unshakable.

56. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Relax, take it easy/For there is nothing that we can't do."

With the message intact and some good penis jokes, too.

I spent most of today sleeping off the last week - in excess of 70 hours of high-stress high-tension fast-paced clusterfuckery. I had the LAST holiday party to go to last night, and passed out fully on the couch while the tv flickered all night long. I woke up at 6:00 am, stiff and disoriented and have spent the day dozing in and out and eating and resting and chatting with all the folks I just have not had time to catch up with this month.

Tomorrow I will pack for West Palm. My flight leaves at 4:00 am from Buffalo, and my father the saint, is getting me there. I have my passport, my cheap JetBlue ticket, the phone number for the cat-sitter, and a new case for my laptop. Tomorrow I will clean the house and pack. I, of course, have an extensively detailed list of things to do printed on green paper - getting a cheque for the cat sitter. Buying razorblades and bubble gum and that sort of thing.

I hesitate to mention this because I hate to be happy when people I love are sad - but I will mention it anyways because maybe it will give some hope that although life is never the same, it does get better as time goes by. It is almost the 23rd of December. I am home all by myself and I feel great. I feel happy and pleased it is Christmas. I feel warm and comfortable and excited to be in the warm embrace of my family. This time last year I was a bundle of nerves and tears and hurt. I remember hearing River on the radio as I drove home from work past all the lights, pulling over in front of a house with big frosted coloured bulbs from the seventies and just missing my mom so much I couldn't breathe. And hating everyone else who was happy and loving the holidays.

I miss her still, but this year, I am just happy. I love my tree and I have it lit every night. I love the snow and I love driving around the city, always with a big grin on as I look at all the decorations and people shopping and just feel happy. And as soon as I booked my flight to florida, I started feeling even better, confident the next week would be a joyful one full of family and fun and love. For the first time since, I'm totally enjoying Christmas. Almost like never before. I'm comforted by the season instead of being hurt by it - despite all the things that are still unknown and uncertain. It's almost as if it's brought me more strength to hope than I had before.

Christmas Eve I will head up to Dad's place to visit with Marian and Kyla and Suz and Dolf and I assume Kate too. We will all head to Orangeville to Chuck and Kath's church for carols and bell choirs. It is the first time since I was a small child that I will be in a church at Christmas. I wish it was St. Jude's. Under the darkness of night, that church has a palpable energy to me. In that church, in the darkness, it is the only time that I actually feel my faith. Or feel the place it used to be.

I'll stay over at Dad's, hopefully watching White Christmas and drinking red wine and feeling happy with a big fluffy dog on my lap. The next day, we'll go to Grandmere's to see the whole family, and then, who knows? I wish I could have a substancial amount of time to hang with my cousins, but we'll see, I suppose. Between then and four the next day, who knows, but then off to West Palm. I'll be there my noon on Boxing Day if nothing goes wrong, and hopefully asleep by the pool when the sun goes down. I am so excited. This dose of sun and warmth (and it is crazy warm down there right now) comes at just the right time, right in middle when I need it the most.

My crazy network of e-friends extends all the way down to the Sunshine State, and I am excited to get to spend time with a few stranger-friends. We're hoping to go to Disney for a day with Cait and Ed - I have not been since I was ten, and Justin, never. He's in for quite a treat. I love that place, and I never thought we'd have the money to go back. Even if it's just for one day. I'm trying to find it within myself to treat us to a night in one of their hotels. They really are something to see - the most luxurious places I've ever stayed - but I don't know. It's $200 a night, and although it is Christmas, and we are not doing gifts, there are other things we could spend the money on, I suppose. But oh - how nice would that be? Stay late, see the fireworks... I still have time to think about it. And there are lots of other cheap hotels in the area.

Poolside reading: The Eric Clapton autobiography, the Animal Man trade paperback, The World is Flat, a Douglas Coupland novel I've been trying to read for months... i want to find a borders down there and get Naomi Klein's latest... ten whole days to sit by the pool and read and swim and be relaxed. Truly perfect.

It's late, but laundry needs to be folded. I'm going to put on Scrooged or maybe A Christmas Story and get to it with a glass of wine and some of the green stuff. I love Christmas movies again! Another change! Actually, this week I saw A Charlie Brown Christmas for the first time this year! I came home after a very hard day after a very early call time, on less than 4 hours of sleep. I treated myself to a bowl of sorbet and a joint and curled up on the couch before heading off to bed - and it was on CBC. The Vince Guaraldi soundtrack is my favourite thing in the whole world to play during the holidays and it was a nice way to "hear it". Cute animation. Anyways, there is this monologue at the end, and I was so sleepy, so overwhelmed, it actually made me cry!!





Dirtbike is draped over the old iron radiator in the living room gazing at the tree. We're doing good.

Justin was home for nearly three weeks. There just wasn't the work back in Florida, we were waiting to hear more about Dave, and we just got pretty comfortable! One-income financial hell set in a few days ago, and off he went this morning. We were a bit stressed about customs, he got through just fine.

He kept me busy while he was home. We kept eachother busy. The time apart was really good for us, and he managed to fit into my new routines (we managed to fit into each others) pretty well. He came with me to a couple of parties, we did some socializing with lots of friends and some family, and it was for the most part, wonderful. Some of the things I was worried about happened - I excercised less, ate more and less healthy, the house was less tidy. But it was worth it, and I finally felt safe enough to really let go of the things inside me and start to work through them.

The first night he was home, the Bigs took us out to dinner at our favourite restaurant, Allen's on the Danforth. We met Andrea, our top make-up artist and her husband Dave, and our finance guy here at the studio, also Dave, and his wife. The eight of us were loud and stayed late, ordering scotch after scotch from the list as long as my leg. We had bison steak and scallops and all kinds of amazing stuff and laughed a lot. We got home very late, and stayed up watching movies and drinking more wine. When we were finally in bed falling asleep together, the weight of the weeks prior just hit me all at once, and I burst into tears, finally able to be comforted and finally able to just be in the shit because I knew someone was there to help me stop weeping eventually. We talked about all the things that were going on - and there was a lot - and from then on, I started to feel better.

I didn't write this before because I wasn't allowed to, and now it's moot. Justin lost his job at St. Georges. And then got it back again. It's all very complicated, but to make a long story somewhat short, Justin and the other pros are not employed by St. Georges, they are employed by the Head Pro. Which was Cameron. Cameron had a budget, and with that budget, could hire who he wanted and spend what he wanted and it didn't matter as long as he stayed under the final amount, and the course ran perfectly. No small task, but that is why Head Pros make unconscionable amounts of money. In any case, Cameron failed at this miserably, and ran the course at a major loss, going far over budget under the vague assumption that "if he did a good enough job, the board of directors wouldn't care about the hundred grand he was over target".

Obviously this wasn't the case. He went over without permission my an incredible amount, then tried to hide it, then tried to excuse it. And then he got fired. Which meant Justin and all the other pros were fired, too. A new pro would be hired, and whether or not he would retain any old St. Georges staff would be completely their perogative. Often, new Head Pros bring their own apprentices. St. G's is the number one course in Canada - any asisstant professional would jump at the chance to follow their Pro there. Justin was going to have to finish up in Florida, come home in March, and find a new job. Which was not going to be easy.

Colin was the asisstant professional at St G's, under Cameron. He got fired too, essentially, but on a long-shot (he is underexperienced and young) approached the board and asked for one year to try to turn the course around financially, and to fix the problems with Cameron's management. No one thought it would happen, but it did, and we all think it was a fabulous decision. Colin announced at a Christmas party for last year's professional staff that he was giving everyone their jobs back. Colin and Justin and I and all the important people in our lives that work at St. Gs are very close to Colin - the boys sit in my living room and dish about work non-stop and I know they have the highest regard for his work ethic and ability to run the team. He's pruning young and inexperienced free-loading part timers, and giving the hard-working, experienced, mature staff better salaries and more perks - hoping that 5 happy full timers will be able to do the work of 3 underpaid full timers, cranky from picking up the slack of others, and 5 lazy and also underpaid high schoolers, looking for any way they can to cut corners.

But this had all yet to take place, and that night, I felt like we had completely lost control of our lives. But he's got his job back, and under a better boss. So that has been fixed.

We had dinner last night with Dad, Dave and Laura. The place Dave picked ended up looking a bit shit, so he insisted we go to a different Italian place across St. Clair, which was great. Laura is so lovely, in a Burberry scarf and pearl earrings - but with a loud voice and very clever. She is wonderful and surprising. I gave Dave an extra long hug and didn't mention the tests and trials and everything because he didn't bring it up. I just tried to love him from across the table, which is what I knew I'd have to do. I was scared and Justin was supportive.

Although some tests are being done, MRIs and CTs, and although Laura's surgeon dad has pulled every string he touches, we still won't have any answers or information until as late as February. It will be hard going through the holidays in the dark, but Dad insists I should just go to Florida and be there and if anything goes wrong, I can come home. I will stay with him on Christmas Eve, I think. Play scrabble and watch It's A Wonderful Life and drink wine. I don't know who else will be staying there. I hope it's everyone. I hope I end up in a sleeping bag dogpile on the shag carpet living room floor.

And that's only 12 days away.

Tonight, back to the "me" schedule. Hour at the gym. NPR documentaries while I cook myself dinner. Glass of wine and reruns. A good long stretch and a hot shower. And sleep.

Richard: Now, we have ultimate proof that Gul Dukat was the most committed to his evil doing.
Mike: Oh?
Richard: Right. Because he shagged Kai Winn.
(snorting laughter)

R.I.P.
Too Much House Wine

Discussing a past episode in which the regular hosts postulated which First Officer would win if all the First Officers got into a massive Battle Royale:

Richard: Hey, hey, now what about Chakotay?
Mike: Chakotay can bollocks.

(laughter)

Richard: He was the first to die, he had an accident on the way to the battle.
Mike: Chakotay or Robert Beltran or whatever his name is shot himself in the foot by slagging off Star Trek, so we eliminated his character.
Richard: You don't slag off the Trek.
Mike No, you do not slag off the Trek. Although we do on a number of occasions. But you've got to compliment it while you do it.
Will (guest): Cause you're not in it.
Richard: We do it out of love. He did it out of hate. If we were in trek we'd never say anything bad about it again.
Mike: Course not.
Richard: That'd be a deal.
Mike: Yeah that'd be like slagging off your employer. But yeah, that would be a deal. That's how they're going to get rid of us you know.
Richard: Yeah they'll let us be in the new movie as long as we stop doing this.
Mike: Yeah as long as we stop this podcast.
Will: Would you want to be killed on an away misson?
Richard: Yes! We've figured it all out.
Mike: Yes, we've already discussed this.
Richard: I would be somebody who is blown up by his control panel halfway through saying the word "captain" to alert the captain of something important and Mike would be killed as a demonstration of some creature's power on an away mission.
Will: Nice.
Richard: You see he's playing the odds, I'm far more likely to get the extra role because there might not be a creature with powers to demonstrate, but I can guarantee someone will be killed by a control panel.
Mike: That's true, that's true. And if it doesn't happen, it's a good enough reason to boycott the film.
Richard: Exactly.
Mike: If someone doesn't get blown up by a control panel, then you know whole movie is totally whack.

When I was 17, I spend my second summer in the Abruzzo studying art at a University in a mountain village called L'Aquila. Just like the previous year, I was living in a tiny little room and had no license and no car. I met an Italian ex-chef, then armani-model named Mario who had a moped and this ancient little house on the edge of the village with a huge vegetable garden and spent the rest of my summer living a dream life between life drawing and oil painting classes, eating exquisite food on his terrace and seeing more of the country than I could have ever imagined from the back of a moped. He spoke a bit of English and endeavored to teach me Italian, and by the end of the summer we communicated beautifully and were completely in love and he quite expected me to stay I think, but I was starting college and I left and I we spoke once after, but never again.

Six years later, he's found me on myspace.

Remind me to share the wonderful story about how my boss, looking like he fell out of the L.L.Bean's catalogue, jumped up on the railing of the gallery at Queen's Park and scolded the entire captive Ontario Legislature (including that slimy looking Dalton McGuinty) that there would be "no fiddling with your hair, no gum chewing" and that he would "try to give them a rest" between takes.

I'm just way too tired right now.

26. Learn as much technical stuff as you can, because Rule Number One is, the client doesn’t really care about your vision of the world. They care about their vision. If you show one thing in your book, chances are, you’ll be called for something else. So have a good grab bag of tricks, for those days when you walk into a beige conference room, and have to shoot a fat guy on the corner of a desk.

http://aphotoeditor.com/2007/11/11/advice-from-a-photographer/

Men in skin tight striped outfits play soccer with binoculars tied to their faces.