Current mood:	peaceful
Current music:	What Child is This by The Vince Guaraldi Trio
Entry tags:	family, holidays, life

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas (and a Beach for Boxing Day)
I spent most of today sleeping off the last week - in excess of 70 hours of high-stress high-tension fast-paced clusterfuckery. I had the LAST holiday party to go to last night, and passed out fully on the couch while the tv flickered all night long. I woke up at 6:00 am, stiff and disoriented and have spent the day dozing in and out and eating and resting and chatting with all the folks I just have not had time to catch up with this month.

Tomorrow I will pack for West Palm. My flight leaves at 4:00 am from Buffalo, and my father the saint, is getting me there. I have my passport, my cheap JetBlue ticket, the phone number for the cat-sitter, and a new case for my laptop. Tomorrow I will clean the house and pack. I, of course, have an extensively detailed list of things to do printed on green paper - getting a cheque for the cat sitter. Buying razorblades and bubble gum and that sort of thing.

I hesitate to mention this because I hate to be happy when people I love are sad - but I will mention it anyways because maybe it will give some hope that although life is never the same, it does get better as time goes by. It is almost the 23rd of December. I am home all by myself and I feel great. I feel happy and pleased it is Christmas. I feel warm and comfortable and excited to be in the warm embrace of my family. This time last year I was a bundle of nerves and tears and hurt. I remember hearing River on the radio as I drove home from work past all the lights, pulling over in front of a house with big frosted coloured bulbs from the seventies and just missing my mom so much I couldn't breathe. And hating everyone else who was happy and loving the holidays.

I miss her still, but this year, I am just happy. I love my tree and I have it lit every night. I love the snow and I love driving around the city, always with a big grin on as I look at all the decorations and people shopping and just feel happy. And as soon as I booked my flight to florida, I started feeling even better, confident the next week would be a joyful one full of family and fun and love. For the first time since, I'm totally enjoying Christmas. Almost like never before. I'm comforted by the season instead of being hurt by it - despite all the things that are still unknown and uncertain. It's almost as if it's brought me more strength to hope than I had before.

Christmas Eve I will head up to Dad's place to visit with Marian and Kyla and Suz and Dolf and I assume Kate too. We will all head to Orangeville to Chuck and Kath's church for carols and bell choirs. It is the first time since I was a small child that I will be in a church at Christmas. I wish it was St. Jude's. Under the darkness of night, that church has a palpable energy to me. In that church, in the darkness, it is the only time that I actually feel my faith. Or feel the place it used to be.

I'll stay over at Dad's, hopefully watching White Christmas and drinking red wine and feeling happy with a big fluffy dog on my lap. The next day, we'll go to Grandmere's to see the whole family, and then, who knows? I wish I could have a substancial amount of time to hang with my cousins, but we'll see, I suppose. Between then and four the next day, who knows, but then off to West Palm. I'll be there my noon on Boxing Day if nothing goes wrong, and hopefully asleep by the pool when the sun goes down. I am so excited. This dose of sun and warmth (and it is crazy warm down there right now) comes at just the right time, right in middle when I need it the most.

My crazy network of e-friends extends all the way down to the Sunshine State, and I am excited to get to spend time with a few stranger-friends. We're hoping to go to Disney for a day with Cait and Ed - I have not been since I was ten, and Justin, never. He's in for quite a treat. I love that place, and I never thought we'd have the money to go back. Even if it's just for one day. I'm trying to find it within myself to treat us to a night in one of their hotels. They really are something to see - the most luxurious places I've ever stayed - but I don't know. It's $200 a night, and although it is Christmas, and we are not doing gifts, there are other things we could spend the money on, I suppose. But oh - how nice would that be? Stay late, see the fireworks... I still have time to think about it. And there are lots of other cheap hotels in the area.

Poolside reading: The Eric Clapton autobiography, the Animal Man trade paperback, The World is Flat, a Douglas Coupland novel I've been trying to read for months... i want to find a borders down there and get Naomi Klein's latest... ten whole days to sit by the pool and read and swim and be relaxed. Truly perfect.

It's late, but laundry needs to be folded. I'm going to put on Scrooged or maybe A Christmas Story and get to it with a glass of wine and some of the green stuff. I love Christmas movies again! Another change! Actually, this week I saw A Charlie Brown Christmas for the first time this year! I came home after a very hard day after a very early call time, on less than 4 hours of sleep. I treated myself to a bowl of sorbet and a joint and curled up on the couch before heading off to bed - and it was on CBC. The Vince Guaraldi soundtrack is my favourite thing in the whole world to play during the holidays and it was a nice way to "hear it". Cute animation. Anyways, there is this monologue at the end, and I was so sleepy, so overwhelmed, it actually made me cry!!





Dirtbike is draped over the old iron radiator in the living room gazing at the tree. We're doing good.